“The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one’s life.” | C.S. Lewis
“It’s okay. You just forgot who you are. Welcome back.” | Pinterest 😛
So, lovely humans, a blog post has been percolating in my brain for several weeks now but I’ve been struggling to find the time to actually write it. No word on the topic yet (because “spoilers”) other than to say that no, it isn’t this one 🙂 It’s something that’s near and dear to my heart and has been for about three years now, but I’ve noticed a void on the Internet about it. Very few people have written about it so I would humbly like to fill that void even just a little bit.
Now that your appetite has been sufficiently whetted…I’ll move on to the topic for today’s post haha
It hit me Saturday afternoon that instead of beating myself up about not finding time to write, I should instead write about this whole process. The C.S. Lewis quotation I put at the top of the post resonated with me so much. I’ve been viewing some of the things happening in my life right now as “interruptions”, nuisances keeping me away from my writing and from the things I truly enjoy. But those nuisances are, in fact, my life. They’re a part of my daily existence, they’re not interruptions, and to view them as such is not only arrogant but a slap in the face of the Almighty Himself because He’s the One who orchestrated my life to be what it is. So yeah, that’s the first humbling lesson I’ve had to learn from this whole process of wanting to write a blog post but not being able to.
So, about rekindling your heart.
I think many of us have been there. We’ve lost our spark. Our fire. The thing that makes us jump out of bed in the morning. We’ve gone from bursting with life and purpose and passion to just barely dragging along. I was listening to a sermon by someone (I’ve clearly forgotten who…) when I had my epiphany. He was talking about how in his 3 decades of ministry, he’d lost his fire a few times. His devotions had seemed dry and stale. His friendships were lukewarm. His preaching not as vibrant as it once was.
Now, my devotions aren’t dry and stale. On the contrary, there’s been LOADS of richness and Truth in them each day as they’ve supernaturally corresponded with what the Most High has been teaching me lately. All praise to His Name! No, the problem is my head is just in five million different places and I can’t seem to focus enough to internalize everything I know He has to teach me. I’m struggling to be still. To shut off the crowded noisy-ness of my wild brain and listen for His voice. To set aside legitimate and illegitimate concerns and focus on the business at hand. (Ironically enough, part of this “struggle” has to do with what I originally wanted to write about…but, like I said, spoilers, and we can’t have those, now can we 🙂 ).
One thing, of several, which has contributed to the noise in my brain is Grad School ending. I finished my Graduate career several weeks ago now and I’ve been trying to re-calibrate my head and shift gears as I enter into a new stage of life. I’m still seeing the lovely humans from The Office once or twice a week but that too is coming to a close too soon for my liking (Have I mentioned that I’m gonna miss them TERRIBLY??) I’m thrilled to be done with Grad School but this whole job search thing is something I’ve never experienced before and it’s odd knowing I won’t be going back to my University in the Autumn like I have for the past 6 years. So, because of the thing I’m gonna write about next week :P, my brain has just been running SO MANY things regarding job searching etc around and around and the voices never seem to shut up.
Then there are my novels. Ah yes, my babies (if you’re not a writer, that’s gonna seem REALLY weird to you but if you are a writer, then you get it, you totally get it). My children. The characters that are so close to my soul, it’s insane. The plot lines that I’m trying to tie up pretty much several times throughout the day. As writers, we’re constantly thinking about our writing, CONSTANTLY. We’re filing away new ideas as we encounter them in our day-to-day life, we’re searching for a way to end the scene that we’ve been stuck on for who-knows-how-long, we’re finding inspiration EVERYWHERE, we’re listening as our characters pop in to tell us where they wanna go next (sometimes we resist because we know better than they do aaaaand sometimes we listen), we’re beating ourselves up for not getting time to write (aka me for the past several weeks). In short, we’re always working whether we look like it or not. It’s a mess up there in our crazy yet beautiful writer’s brains.
So yes, I’ve been beating myself up for not writing. Writing in my manuscripts or writing on this blog (I missed like one week of writing consistently here and acted like it was the end of the world….internally anyway haha). Writing is a large part of who I am. It’s not the most important part (that would be my status as a Daughter of the Most High God) but it’s still a massive part. So when I’m not doing it, I start to get a bit disoriented. Like I’ve lost where I’m going. I still know I’m living for the King and that everything I do in His Name and for His glory will NEVER be wasted. But this writing-talent He’s given me….yeah, I don’t wanna waste it. I don’t wanna waste it at all. So when I’m not doing it, I feel as if I’m not doing one of the things I was created to do and it’s unsettling. This is a bit different from those doubts we writers get pretty much all the time. Will people ever want to read what I’ve written? Will I reach the right audience? Am I a real writer if I haven’t published a work? And then when we receive criticism, the self-doubt skyrockets like you wouldn’t believe 😀 Should I forget about writing completely? Should I give in and become a miserable cog in the corporate machine and play the game like the rest of ’em? Should I abandon my passion? At this point, we’re not in a good place haha. But those aren’t the doubts I’m talking about right now. They’ve been there for me lately, yes, but they haven’t been the reason behind my fire burning out.
I just haven’t had time to write and it’s through no fault of my own though I seem to automatically jump to that conclusion whenever I haven’t been writing….With Grad School ending, several other life-things going on, and just the general busyness and chaos that comes with Spring and Summer (part of the reason why Autumn will always speak to my soul like no other season can….except for Winter….it’s running a close 2nd in my affections), I just haven’t had the time/opportunity to be still and alone and silent enough for my words to flow. Life wasn’t going according to MY plan and I wasn’t liking it. Whoa. LOADS of lessons right there, lovely humans. I’d forgotten whose timetable this Life runs on. More on that in a minute.
So Grad School ending, my writing, and one or two other things have contributed to the general feeling that my life is lying stagnant and I’m just apathetically watching from the sidelines. Talk about dramatic! I felt like I was floundering along through a fog and I didn’t know how to stop and get my bearings. I mentioned in my last post about The Office that I don’t do well with change, really at all. Major changes throw me for a loop, even if they’re expected, I need time to process everything (little head-nod to next week’s blog post) and figure everything out. Change disorients me and I need my Anchor then more than ever.
And so we come to one of my all-time favourite Bible passages. Psalm 27:13-14. I have sent these verses to friends via text messages. I have memorized these verses. I have them stuck on my laptop on a sticky note. I have gone back to them over and over and over again because I lose sight of where I’m going far too often, more often than I would like, and these verses keep me grounded.
“I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of Adonai (the Lord) in the land of the living. Wait on Adonai; be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on Adonai.” | Psalm 27:13-14 |
Oh lovely humans, these verses just speak LOADS of comfort to my soul every time I read them or meditate on them! They are full of some of my favourite themes: courage, contentment, resurgam (“I shall rise again” in Latin), and utter dependence on the Most High. There’s just so much Truth packed into these verses, it blows.my.mind. So often, we would have lost heart, actually we DO lose heart like I had these past few weeks. I wondered if my words would ever come back, if my brain would ever shut off long enough for my to concentrate on my devotions and on the things in life that really matter. So many other voices were clamouring for my attention and not all of them were legitimate. My fire had faded and my flames were burning so low, it was hard to see if they were even there. I was fast losing heart.
But I had to believe. I had to believe that I would see the goodness of Adonai in the land of the living. I had to believe that He would clear my vision and I had to pray to Him and ask Him to do that very thing. I also had to be patient and content ’cause verse 14 is all about autarkeia (“contentment” in Greek) and patience. Waiting on the Most High is a sure way to rekindle your heart when its flames have died. It seems counter-intuitive. Like we should be DOING something to rekindle our hearts. But waiting IS doing something. It’s trusting the King. It’s laying everything before Him and trusting Him to hold your un-fulfilled longings, to carry your bleeding heart, to close wounds, to make all things new, to reignite your passion for Him and for the talents He’s given you. Waiting means doing quite a bit, actually. It also includes not complaining and grumbling and instead waiting with a joyful spirit, looking for opportunities around you to bless others even while your own longings are un-fulfilled. Pulling our eyes off of ourselves and turning them to others and to Christ will snap us out of whatever self-pity party we’ve been indulging in.
So I chose to turn my attention to this neat opportunity that has arisen for myself and my family to bless members of our extended family. It threw a wrench in my glorious writing plans and I’m still learning to tackle this new adventure (full-time babysitting, in case you’re wondering) with as much Joy as if it were my writing. I’m failing at it most days but repenting and getting up the next morning with a renewed desire to serve the King with whatever comes my way has done wonders for my low-burning flames of passion.
Adonai WILL strengthen your heart like He’s strengthening mine. When you believe that you will see His goodness and you wait on Him for that goodness, He promises to strengthen your heart and He is not a man that He should lie. It’s folly to doubt the King of the Universe. When He says something, He means it, every word, heart and soul. And He commands us to believe Him. So if your embers are burning low, turn your eyes to the source of the Fire. Have your heart rekindled and in the waiting, don’t forget to live.
| We’re in a War, my friends, and we all need Courage on the Front Lines ❤ |